Nastazsa Cabrera

Prior to being saved, I’d been suffering from crippling anxiety and depression on and off throughout my entire life. I turned myself into a prisoner and victim of my fears and trauma. Insecure about who I was and what I had to offer others, I became a compulsive people pleaser.

People pleasing became my identity. I was extremely sensitive and hard on myself, to the point where I would do my best to avoid any and all situations that could possibly disappoint others. This led to me avoiding difficult situations at all costs, which ultimately led to an unhealthy need to predict and control all possible outcomes.

2020 hit, and every nightmare I had became my reality. My father, mother, and I all became ill with COVID. My father passed away with a severe case. I then feared for not only my mother’s life, but my own as well. During this same week, I was scrambling to find a place to move into, as I was ending a lease at the apartment I was living in. This was after finding out that my boyfriend at the time had been unfaithful for months, and not only that, but the job I had became obsolete.

Struggling to take care of my mother, my health, and finding a job and a home all at once (while completely devastated and traumatized by my father’s passing and being heartbroken from the betrayal of someone I once loved), I wondered if I would EVER recover.

I then became paralyzed with the unknown. Until I wasn’t…

It was during this time of recovery that I found bits and pieces of my way to the Lord. I was baptized as a baby, but my family and I never continued the tradition of going to church, nor pursuing our Catholic religion when we moved to the States. I knew there was a God, but I’d never known who Jesus was. I didn’t know about His life or have a relationship with Him. I just knew there was a “higher being” but had no knowledge of who or what that higher being was.

There were many times in my life when I experienced the cruelty of mankind, whether it was personally (through physical and mental abuse) or by bearing witness to it. These moments were detrimental to my personal beliefs, and I nearly lost faith in the whole world. Growing up, I was always labeled as “too sensitive, too nice, too sweet,” which were all conveyed to me as weaknesses.

I was deeply saddened, lost, and upset. I suppressed this inner turmoil and continued wearing a mask and a smile for years to come. When my father passed away, I prayed every single night. This was the biggest hardship I’d faced at that time, and I didn’t know who else to turn to other than God. I felt like everyone and everything around me was falling apart.

My mental health was holding on by a thread, but in the midst of all the hurt, my faith was the strongest it had ever been. After everything that unfolded, I prayed and hoped that there was still something in life to look forward to. Even if I was excruciatingly heartbroken, I trusted God was doing this all for a reason, and something deep down was telling me that there were better days to come.

For a whole year after my father passed, l received signs and messages, whether it be in writing, interactions in-person, blessings in disguise, or angels that He sent down to help me. During hardships I learned that my father was with Him, that his soul was resting in peace, and that the Lord was watching over me in everything I was doing.

I would see the numbers 944 (and in that sequence) constantly, no matter where I'd go or what I was doing. On the clock, receipts, license plates, etc. At certain times, it stood out like a sore thumb - to name a few, one day my best friend Amy and I (who were just at the very beginning of our journey in faith), were having lunch. l'd just bought a new book that I wanted to start with her, and we’d been talking about spirituality. We were talking about seeing signs from God and my father (mentioning the numbers) when all of a sudden, I felt the need to open the first few pages of the book.

There, in a time stamp (it was written in the POV of someone writing in a diary), it stated 9:44 AM. I stopped in my tracks and began to show her, when behind her (in my peripheral vision), I glanced at someone’s license plate number which also had “944” in it. At that exact moment, another car pulled up, with a large crucifix on the dash board. My jaw dropped instantaneously!

She noticed the look on my face, and as I explained everything, I noticed that she couldn't believe it as well. We had literal goosebumps. Mind you, the coffee shop we were at was a Christian-based shop, with an acronym that reads, “Christ Offers Forgiveness For Everyone Everywhere.” (COFFEE)

Another time involved the memory video I made in dedication to my dad and his life. The only time we were able to visit my dad in person at the hospital was when he was on his death bed because of COVID, and when I looked back at the time stamp of the screen recording I had of our last FaceTime video with him right before he passed, I realized that it was at 9:44 AM. It all started to make sense.

For the last example, Amy texted me one day, saying that she needed to have an important conversation in person with me. It sounded very heavy and important. I was almost afraid, because she seemed very tense, as if she had bad news to deliver. It was quite the opposite, but she was shaken. She'd asked me a series of questions that pertained to personal family members from my father's side, sharing information about them that no one knew. I had never told her any of it, and she knew information about my dad's history that l'd never told her about as well. I couldn't believe it, and neither could she.

I asked her where she got this info, and why she was asking me all of these things, and she told me that she had a dream. In the dream, it seemed that a man was desperate to pass on a message, that the recipient needed to hear the words, "I'm okay." Every night, before l'd go to sleep, l'd ask if my dad was okay in my prayers. God delivered the response to me through my friend. It was a question that had been haunting me for a very long time after his passing.

I always asked myself if there was anything my family and I could've done, or the nurses, doctors, or any of us, to have avoided his death. Finally, from that response alone and all of the signs God had been sending me, I was finally able to put it to rest and to accept that there was nothing any of us could've done. That my father was in a better place. God took care of it.

After those experiences, my faith strengthened. However, I became lost in the idolatry of "myself," as society heavily taught me that I worked my way up from the ground up. I conquered all the suffering I went through and became OVERLY self-confident, thinking God gave me this self-efficacy for a reason, and to glorify how I did it on my own. I became lost, coping with worldly satisfaction: money/materialism, drinking, occupying all of my free time with people, etc.

A year later, the business I was working with collapsed. I was left in a financial slump because I was still leaning on materialistic gains and value, and my friendships were struggling because I was heavily reliant on those who were neglectful and didn’t reciprocate. They were unfortunately one-sided, and I started suffering from panic attacks and major anxiety. I started praying heavily and a few months later, lo and behold….He blessed me with everything I could’ve asked for.

He gave me back everything I’d lost, plus MORE. Fast forward to a year later, and I’d become reliant on myself again. Again, I started feeding into the pressures of daily life and getting lost in the relationships I’d obtained. My flesh was satisfied, but I still didn’t understand why I was constantly falling into depressive episodes where I’d ask myself, “Is this it? Is this going to be my whole life?”

It was a roller coaster of happiness and deep sadness that I couldn’t explain, because I felt like I had everything any human could possibly want in life: a good job with a great salary, friends that I see all the time, a nice townhome, etc. So why am I still so unhappy? What’s wrong with me?

When I was happy, I was happy. But when I was sad, I’d fall into a dark hole. It was during that time that I hit rock bottom. Again. Everything I’d lost before, I’d lost yet again. This was a pain like I’d never felt before. Such a disappointment within myself that I couldn’t grasp onto made me contemplate the very life God gave me. I was a failure. I failed AGAIN.

This time, I felt like I could never bounce back from it. I felt like I’d never be able to get it right. One night, I had the biggest panic attack I’d ever endured. My thoughts were spiraling into a never-ending abyss, and everything seemed cold and dark. I was having a hard time catching my breath, and there was no one around me. I felt like I was actually dying.

Later on, I came to find I was under a spiritual attack. It was a spiritual warfare. For the very first time in my life, I got down on my actual knees and prayed. I told God in the midst of my tears and anguish, “Please, God. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. This hurts really badly right now. But I know this is all happening for a reason. Please help me understand why. Please help me love myself. Please help me get better.”

After this, I felt called to start going to church. I stuck close to a friend who was extremely knowledgeable in our religion, and started reading the Bible for the very first time in my life. A few months later, I was blessed with everything I’d prayed for. And once again, He blessed me with even MORE.

The current job that I have is at a clinic, helping children and families in general. I’ve been blessed with the ability to lead with forgiveness towards others and myself, not seeking validation in ANYONE nor anything other than Him. Every ounce of anxiety and major depression I had vanished from my body, as if it never existed. My nervous system was completely healed.

One day, while I was praying, I panned back and looked at how my life had transformed from the outside in. I was immediately overcome with the deepest sense of gratitude I’d ever felt in my mind, body, and spirit. There was no other explanation for how carefully everything was orchestrated. GOD IS REAL. He has delivered time and time again. He is REAL.

It was then that I pieced all of these things together, that it finally *clicked* for me. I did not grow up in a church, nor did I find Jesus there. He found me at my absolute lowest, contemplating my own life, the very life that He gave me. He saved me.

Through trials and tribulations, He has transformed me, and now I choose to serve Him with everything I have. To give back to the only Man who would never hurt me nor forsake me. Who has breathed life into me and broken me out of the chains of this world that I was bound to! I completely and utterly learned reliance solely on Him and nothing and no one else.

Something I'd struggled with my whole life was the dependency of my emotions and value on other people, and it would tear me apart and leave me emotionally depleted. Now I stand a completely different person, whose purpose and identity lie within the Lord. All of the concerns I had about the way others saw me are gone. My mind and my soul are finally at a constant state of peace.

God sees everything. Even when people have wronged me, I understand that, whether intentionally or not, people tend to deflect their issues and insecurities towards others, and that comes out in their actions. I have done the same. I empathize that everyone is fighting their own battles we don't know about, and to never take things personally anymore. I am confident in my stance with the Lord, that my self-esteem lies within Him, and with that, I am able to forgive others, for they do not know what they're doing most of the time.

Regardless, God brings everything to light and will always defend us and fight our battles for us. We can choose to walk away in strength and grace. He taught me how to take on difficult situations and how to suffer joyfully. Everyone will experience pain in their lives, but how we handle it is what matters. Do we carry our crosses miserably, with bitterness, or do we carry our crosses with grace and gratitude, acknowledging that Jesus suffered while carrying His and sacrificed Himself on it? Even though it's easier said than done, it should always, always be the second!

By understanding His love for us, I also gave up everything I once knew of my previous life; He put me in a state of isolation to grow closer to Him. In turn, I lost many people, including "friends" who didn't have the same morals, values, and beliefs, and those who were lukewarm. I was judged and persecuted heavily, like Jesus was, and although it hurt my flesh, the Holy Spirit was and still is incredibly strong in me, and I take all of the things of my new life in stride.

I am both honored and privileged that I could experience some of the things He'd gone through so I could empathize with Him and grow even closer to Him. I do not care about pleasing others anymore, I only live for God's approval and no one else's. As should everyone else.

He teaches me how to be a better person every single day in both my thoughts and actions. He blessed me with a new, calm, simple, and rich life. Where I've found richness by my definition now is God first, a happy and healthy, forgiving relationship with family and friends, spreading the word, and doing His will.

I am forever changed, and the intimate relationship that I have with Jesus grows stronger every day. This is a man who has loved me since before I was even born, and continues to love me even when I don’t deserve it. This is the love I’d been giving out to others and seeking my whole life. I was locked in. To establish an actual relationship and intimate connection is to truly know the Lord, and I'm full of gratitude for the trials, tribulations, and heartbreak I went through, because it led me right into Jesus' arms.

There's a beauty in knowing that in our darkest hours, He will be the only one powerful and capable enough to get us through it, as we are just mere humans! Some people just know of the Lord through religion and knowledge inherited by family or upbringing, but to truly KNOW the Lord is a whole different experience. I do not believe in shoving religion down anyone’s throat, nor expect people to convert simply because they’re told to do so. Going to church and reading the Bible aimlessly, doing all of these things in general just to do it without having an intimate relationship with Jesus FIRST, this defeats the whole purpose of being saved.

Doing all of this without having a relationship with Jesus is not being saved. Being saved for me is having gone through God-given experiences in life that He’s allowed me to be saved FROM. That warrants a change in identity and behavior, because you now want to devote your new life to the One who saved you.

I will forever use the ability and apply the wisdom He’s given me to gently and kindly plant seeds with my testimony. To relate and empathize with others through the experiences that I’ve gone through, and to encourage everyone to seek Him, as whoever seeks Him will indeed find Him. It is an honor and a privilege to have been born, to then be saved, born again, and to live in this world to serve such a loving Father and King who allows me freedom, peace, and the lens to see the beauty in life.

Now all I want to do every day is walk a righteous path alongside Jesus. To get to know Him better every day. To serve Him. To bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit as we are called to serve Him, and by serving Him faithfully, we are weaving ourselves into a content, eternally happy life, with a Father who knows and wants the best for us.

The Jesus-sized hole in my heart is now forever full. Praise God! I love you, my brothers and sisters in Christ. I wholeheartedly thank you for reading my testimony, for being a part of this world that Christ has made, and I am so honored to be a part of this journey with you all.