Paul

Hi, I'm Paul (not my real name). I hope you are doing well. I’ve never experienced talking to a fellow Christian. Isolation is a shadow heavier than persecution. Here, basically, conversion to Christianity is a death mark on your name.

In the best-case scenario, they put you in jail forever, demand unthinkable fines and bail. But usually, it’s death by hanging. I just wanted to share my story with someone. I hope it reaches the right people.

I was born into a Muslim family, and I was one of them too, until age 18. Something started to grow in me that needed truth. I was constantly asking, "Is it the right thing?" "Is it what all the world is about?" etc. So I started deeply reading and researching about Islam, and it was not something that I could say to myself, "Yes, Islam is the truth."

So I left Islam. Secretly. And began my journey. At age 23, I was an atheist. Basically, researching and practicing ancient Western and Eastern philosophies. I did not find the truth and could not answer my inner voices about the truth.

Then I was a Satanist! It continued until age 25. To no surprise, there wasn't any truth to it, either. My inner voice did not leave me at any of those moments, and it was something that made me crazy.

I was broken, mentally and spiritually, and living in an awful country. One day, when I was 27, I was at home alone. Just walking and doing nothing - I was completely numb, ideologically, spiritually, emotionally - till I reached the room's window. It was noon. I felt a presence. Not something that I experienced before.

Something HOLY. Something merciful. Something loving. Words cannot describe it. I knelt - something was on fire in my soul. I wept. At that time, I had no idea about Christian theology and terms, but I started saying "Father, forgive me... Father, forgive me" while crying.

I had no idea who the "Father" was that I was calling. I never practiced a religion or ideological framework that uses the term "Father." So it was not something subconscious. It was like those words were given to me.

Finally, I had an answer to my inner voice that was with me since I was 18. Since then, I've changed. It's like a new identity was given to me. I was a coward, but now nothing can scare me: financial crisis, persecution, even death. None of them is above Jesus’ name.

I had a mental illness that was crippling (mental illness, demon, who knows?) that was with me since I was a child. No therapy or drug helped with that. I harmed myself that many times. Living with that for years was hell for me.

After my conversion (1-2 weeks after), I prayed to the Lord to heal that illness. I was crying, and suddenly I felt a familiar presence (like the day I received the grace of God), and a cold, sudden wind on my left ear. And that illness was gone forever.

After many experiences, I found out that the most secure, accurate, and truthful search engine about the Father, Jesus, and the Kingdom of the Lord is the Holy Spirit.

Even in isolation, I'm not alone and not helpless. God bless you.