Rhonda

In April of 2016, I was at work. It was about 10:30 a.m., and my phone was starting to get tons of texts. Have you seen your brother? Have you heard from him today? He’s nowhere to be found.

I couldn’t shake the terrible feeling I had, and my hands were shaking. So much so, that my boss sent me home. I began calling my younger brother repeatedly, but it kept going straight to voicemail.

Fast forward to 6:30 that evening, and we were all gathered at my mother’s house when the sheriff showed up. We were told he had been killed in a car accident the evening before. He was drinking and rolled his car into a slough of water and drowned.

He was found that morning by someone out jogging, who had seen the upside-down car, and called the police.” How is this possible?” I thought. He’s only 28. He can’t be gone. He just can’t.

But he was. Just like that. I had lost my little brother. My best friend. The only father figure my young children had at the time. My go-to person for everything. My safe place. I went into complete shock. My mind and body shut down.

I was just numb. I couldn’t even find my way to everyday places like the grocery store or the elementary school my kids went to without MapQuest. I was just completely lost. I didn’t eat or sleep for weeks. I would just cry and sob until I was beyond exhausted.

When I finally did start sleeping a little, all I did was have nightmares. I would relive the accident from different perspectives, and I’d wake up crying or unable to breathe and gasping for air. I was living in a nightmare that I just couldn’t understand.

At this point, I was afraid that my heart was just going to give up and stop beating altogether. I began calling out to Jesus, “If you’re there, please help me.” I knew God was real, that heaven was real, but so was hell. I was so afraid that my brother didn’t make it into heaven.

After all, although I knew he believed and loved the Lord, he had been struggling with alcoholism. I couldn’t go on with my life until I knew that he was ok. I started reading my Bible and crying out to the Lord constantly, getting discouraged and feeling alone, and so scared. I wasn’t hearing any answer.

Until one day..I did. I still remember it as clear as day. In the midst of an utterly confused and desperate mind that was constantly racing and in such turmoil, I heard the voice of Jesus. It was inside my mind, yet very audible.

He had a stern but gentle voice. Full of correction, yet so much compassion and love. This is what he said. “My child, do you not think I died for your brother? Was my suffering for nothing? You do not need to understand, just trust me. Let your faith be stronger than your fears.”

I immediately felt peace and comfort wash over me, and for the first time in over a month, the tears began to stop falling. At that moment, I knew that he had made it to heaven, despite his struggles.

The Lord knows that we are not perfect. He knows we struggle. He knows we fail. He just wants our hearts. You don’t have to be perfect to come to Jesus. He doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called.

This is the whole reason Jesus suffered. He took his sin upon himself so that we could be saved and have eternal life in heaven with him. This began my healing journey with the Lord.

I began a relationship with him like never before. He began to transform me and renew my mind and my heart. I still, of course, miss my brother every day, but the hope of the good Lord says that I will see him again. We will be together one day in paradise, and our relationship will be better than ever.

And one day, I believe I will understand and see things from a heavenly perspective. If anything, it makes the thought of death a little easier for me now. Knowing that my brother went ahead of me, and will be waiting there to welcome me home. There is hope in the word of God, the Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

He is always there waiting. You just have to reach out and acknowledge him. Ask him for comfort and peace. He will give it to you. I truly hope that my story can help someone who’s hurting and feeling like there is no hope left.

You are loved. You are special, and God isn’t done with you. Your story isn’t over yet. Perhaps it is just beginning.