Conall

I grew up in a Christian household, but I didn't really know who Christ was. I don't know exactly when I was saved, either recently or during childhood, but I do know that I liked church.

Anyways, things started to change when I started puberty, where I began to have same-sex attractions. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this (technically, I didn't know I was having these, because I was watching pornographic things), because quarantine prevented the outside world from entering the little bubble that was my life.

After we were allowed to go back to school, my innocence became intoxicated (more than it already was) by this world, and I seemed to become more and more like it. I told people I was bi, because I didn't want to face that other term, but eventually, I started calling myself a gay man.

I came out to my parents my freshman year of high school, and I felt that everything was turning out how "I" wanted it to be. The thing is, none of it was what I truly needed, and when a boyfriend wasn't enough, I'd end it. When porn wasn't enough, I'd increase the amount of time watching it, and I’d pleasure myself. I had to have something playing: music, a podcast, television, etc., because silence was deafening.

If I were left in silence, the thought that I was going to Hell would've filled my mind, which is something I feared and believed in. I knew I was going because I was told that what I was doing was wrong, but I thought that was "bull," sort of...

A month before I was brought into glorious light, I started to have more and more intrusive thoughts of hurting myself/what it would be like to hurt myself, but NEVER trying to, because I know suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I thought that my fix must be dating the "right" guy, or even sex, which I was obsessed with.

I don't know what day I truly gave my whole life to Christ/my salvation (as previously stated), but I do know that my life COMPLETELY CHANGED the summer (July 5th) of 2025. The theme of the camp was "The War Within,” with my memory verse, 1Peter 5:8-9, and during one of the services, I felt this new rush, this sorrow, this joy, this peace, this LOVE I had never felt before, and I believe it was the Holy Spirit.

It took a while to stop being so stubborn and make Jesus my Lord, but I've never been the same.

Five months later, I still struggle with my temptation, but each day I know I'm running farther from who I used to be. And even when I fall, I don't stay down, but I get up. I've got more anxiety now, but I feel more myself than ever before.

I want you to know that you're not alone in your fight. Know that you aren't alone if you're struggling with SSA, or alcohol, or lust, or greed, or anxiety, etc. You have a place. You matter.