Jonny
Proverbs 1:7 – “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” The goal of sharing my testimony is threefold: 1. To help bring people into the Kingdom and see the power, forgiveness, peace, and love that only Jesus can offer. 2. To help and strengthen fellow believers in their own walk with Christ. 3. To offer some insight and advice on how to deal with a sin that has plagued my life and continues to be a struggle.
I have changed the names of all the people mentioned in this testimony. Although I will omit certain details, please be forewarned; some of the content will be graphic. I will first talk about my history/background, then about how Jesus came and saved me and what my life is like now. Finally, I will offer some insight into what I have learnt from my walk with God as I have struggled with sin, especially lust. If you read this, I hope it is a blessing to your life, and with that said … let's begin!
Romans 6:21 - “What benefit did you reap at the time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!” I grew up in England as the eldest son of a stable family. My mother and father have been married for forty-three years and have four children. We were raised with good morals, but I would describe us as atheists.
God, or any concept of God, was never spoken about. At Christmas we would attend carol services at the local church and always participate in the Christingle service (I remember eating the dolly mixtures off the toothpicks), but that was as far as it went. I attended a Church of England (CofE) primary school, and we would sing hymns in assembly, but there were never any Bible readings or study. It was a standard nineties English school which has, I'm sad to say, changed over the last 35 years.
John 16: 2-3 - “The time is coming when anyone who kills you will think they are offering a service to God. They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me.” The only thing I knew about Jesus I learned when I was younger, perhaps around ten.
Because my Dad was a Scout leader, my brother and I were both in the Scouts, so we would attend church parades and Sunday school. I remember they would give us these small square books with cartoon stories from the Bible, but the only one I can recall is the tale of Jesus feeding the 5000.
High school was terrific for me. When people tell you, “high school is the best years of your life,” you scoff at the time, but it is true. I was never bullied (in fact, I was a bit of a bully myself), was popular, and had a string of girlfriends throughout the years. I was even voted most romantic boy in school!
Those years were great, and after that I went on to sixth form and everything changed. All the friends I'd grown up with began to have different priorities. Now that they were older, they wanted to go out to the pub, and I had no real interest in doing that. For the whole two years, I didn't have a single girlfriend, which was a stark contrast to my high school years. I made new friends but also began to isolate myself and skip a lot of my classes. I was addicted to video games and would often spend hours upon hours playing while taking breaks only to eat and masturbate.
What changed and has shaped my life to this day is that I developed a passion for Martial Arts. I watched a T.V show with Sumo Hung and saw him break a table with a spinning hook kick and said: “I want to be able to do that!” I became obsessed with buying equipment, making films with my mates and consuming as much literature and films as I could handle. I was trying to find something that suited me, and I started locally with Jiu-jitsu before trying Karate and eventually sticking with Tae kwon-do. An odd choice considering how short I am, as Tae kwon-do requires high kicks and extreme flexibility (its original purpose was to kick people off horses). But I loved it!
At every grading, you had to learn the history of each new pattern, the Korean word for every new move, and as I progressed, I was hungry for more. I would like to pause at this point to say just how much Martial Arts has added to my life. I live my life as a disciplined man whilst trying to follow the five tenets of Tae kwon-do, which are: courtesy, integrity, self-control, perseverance, and indomitable spirit. Not to mention the physical and mental health benefits it has provided over the decades.
After I finished sixth form, it was then I made a decision that would change my life forever. I found a website that offered foreigners the chance to train in China with the Shaolin Monks. I told my parents that after I left school I would be going. The answer I got at first was, “No, you're f***ing well not.” However, I was adamant and eventually talked them around. They agreed to fund half the trip, and I worked weekends at my local supermarket to pay for the rest.
Matthew 15:4 - “For God said, 'Honour your father and mother...'” When I first arrived at the academy, I hated it. I was eighteen years old and homesick, but after a call with my parents and a stern talking-to, I decided to give it time. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made, because after a few weeks, I loved it!
It was training from 4am in the morning until 8pm at night, with breaks only to eat meals. In the evening, you had a few hours free, but you were far too knackered to do anything other than sleep! The first week, the other students joked I wouldn't be able to walk up the stairs, which was true as training consisted of large amounts of time sat in Ma-Bu (horse stance). The other students there were fantastic. They were from all over the world, and I have so much respect that they all spoke English.
I originally planned to stay for a year (which I wish I had done) but ended up staying for six months. On Saturdays, the academy would provide a bus into the local city. Some students would travel there to enjoy some different food and take a well-earned rest. This is where I was introduced to a place called The Pink Palace. It was a place where you could have a sauna, take a long soak in a hot bath, or, upstairs, you could get a massage. The best way I can describe it is like the scene from Rush Hour 2 where they visit the 'Heaven on Earth' massage parlour. These massages were done in a recliner chair just like those, and for an extra 100yuan (around £10) they would add a “happy ending.”
They would do this even with other patrons around! The first time I got one, I'd not been touched by a girl since I was 15, and after that, I became an addict. I'd saved for a year but was only staying six months, so I had plenty of money to burn, and every weekend I'd be straight back, usually with a group of mates from the academy. I was still a virgin at this point and very keen to lose my V plates, but The Pink Palace didn't usually go further than what I just mentioned above.
At some point I ended up going to a brothel with some “friends,” and that was that. The whole experience was over very quickly and completely fell short of my expectations. This was not God's design for something so sacred. 1 Corinthians 6:16 - “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.'”
After six months, I returned to the U.K. and picked up right where I left off. I took my old job back in the local supermarket, continued training and progressing in Tae kwon-do, and spent most of my other free time playing games. I also tried going to university twice and dropped out...twice. This was all between the ages of 19-25. During this period, I didn't have a girlfriend, went on maybe two dates, and didn't have sex of any kind. I can't say I was always sexually frustrated because I kept myself so busy, but definitely having a sexual history based in Asia, where money equaled sex, played a huge part in what happened next, and believe me, the depravity escalated to heights I could never have imagined.
So in my prime, at the age of twenty-five, I answered an ad in the paper about a job teaching English in China with no experience needed. My life was going nowhere, and given that I'd been to the Orient once before and had an affinity for Chinese culture, it seemed like a no-brainer. So off I went, and in the interest of keeping this short, I'll say I took to the job like a duck to water. In each class, you'd have a translator for the kids, which was usually a twenty-something Chinese girl.
Once again I was surrounded by what I craved most: the flesh. Within days, I'd been asked by a guy to join him as his wingman at a brothel. My last sexual experience was six years prior, and my heart was pounding like Aisha on her wedding night. The girl I chose had the most beautiful face, but when we got upstairs, it was grim. A dark, dingy room with cum stained sheets and no natural light. We stripped off, and as soon as she touched me, that was all she wrote.
However, I didn't let that put me off; with the duck broken and a newfound confidence, I sought other places to get my fill. As I worked at my first school over the summer, I grew close to a few of the teachers, and we would go out together for meals and drinks. One of the female teachers there was from the Philippines. I was so ignorant at that time that I'd not only never seen a Filipino, but I didn't even know it was a country! One night we had all been out drinking, and we ended up in bed together. It was the first time I'd had unprotected sex and also the first time I hadn't paid for it.
What was odd about this was that she had known I had visited a brothel a few weeks prior but didn't care. This kind of activity is so common and accepted in Asia that women simply tolerate it. The biggest issue was I wasn't really attracted to her. After a boozy night, we'd ended up in bed together, but I was longing for someone younger and Chinese. With young girls all around me at the job, it fed my frustration, and I wanted to end this mess I'd gotten myself into. She had a complete meltdown, and out of my pathetic sympathy, I took her back.
Next thing I knew, I was in a nine-year relationship with a child at the end; but we will get to that. She had lived in China for a long time and had good contacts. She helped my friend and I get our next job, and the three of us worked there for the following seven years. She gave up everything to help me secure that job and took a humongous pay cut, which only guilted me into staying with her, despite my growing frustration. In hindsight, I should have been tough and finished it, but that was not God's plan. We ended up having a son together, and he truly is a blessing.
Once again, in my new job I was surrounded by young girls, and I was stuck with someone I wasn't remotely happy with. I tried multiple times to end it, but after an incident where she climbed over our apartment balcony on the 17th floor and threatened to throw herself off, I dropped the matter (pardon the pun). The city we moved to was just as rife with massage parlours and brothels, and as I walked past them I couldn't help but feel a longing. Then one day Daisy was asked to work at a sister school in another city, so I found myself alone for the first time in months. I said to yours truly, “It's now or never,” and went to a hotel just down the road.
Through a combination of broken Mandarin and crude hand signals (think toad in the hole), I was able to communicate my needs. The experience itself was amazing, and that was that. For the next seven years I would make any excuse I could think of to get away from Daisy (usually during the daytime before class) to visit any and every brothel, hotel and massage parlour I could find. I used to be proud of the fact that I'd perhaps paid for and slept with 100+ women (I'm not even sure of the number at this point, but I reckon it's closer to 50). Now I look back with disgust. Not because I didn't enjoy it- I'd be lying if I said I didn't- but because it was so vile, so far from God's design for sex.
I often ponder how it must feel to be a woman doing that job; that's the one thing that eats at me the most. How could I treat another human with such contempt? Just to use them for my own carnal desires and make it nothing more than a transaction. But this was only the tip of the iceberg.
Leviticus 19:18 - “...love your neighbour as yourself.” After our child was born, we moved from China to the Philippines. For a while, things were great. I took a new job teaching online and, with my experience, began to get more students and earn vast amounts of money for such a poor country. Our relationship, however, was nonexistent. We never talked, spent time together, had sex, or even hugged. I became what is known as a “Karen” in public; constantly complaining and looking down on people.
When Daisy went away to visit her family and took our son with her, I would find masseuses online that would come to your house and offer the “happy ending” treatment. There were brothels and girly bars all around town, but I never visited. Then one night everything changed. I was out drinking with friends and met a girl at the bar. Daisy was away again visiting family, so that night I took this girl back to the house we were renting. To say we fell for each other would be an understatement. We knew we were in love before the first two weeks. I would brazenly leave the house at any hour just to spend time with her.
We had so much in common and would banter and joke over meals in between our all-night (and sometimes all-day) motel sessions. Finally, I had a woman in my life who was fun, could not get enough of me, and, after years of sexual repression, opened me up in ways I could never have imagined. Eventually Daisy knew something was up, and I admitted the truth on the spot. I didn't care. I was infatuated. Daisy and my son moved out of the house, and I started a relationship with this new girl, Erica. It lasted about a year and a half, and we even spoke about marriage at one point. The issue was I still missed my son and basically wanted to have my cake and eat it, too.
I had not only kicked them out of the house but was also going out every day with this new girl, posting it all on social media, as well as not providing for him financially. After a while, his mum stopped all contact between us and took him away, and I had no idea where he was. Can I blame her for her actions? She was humiliated and angry. I left her for someone twenty years younger and rubbed it in her face. This caused me to completely lose the plot. Some nights I would drink a bottle of vodka to cope; some days I would go to where her family lived looking for him; other days I would simply walk around the city hoping he'd randomly be somewhere. Police and other agencies became involved, and it got very messy. I was a foreigner in a country well known for its corruption, and looking back, it could have gone so much worse.
I was conned out of a lot of my parents’ money during all this by people offering to help. I was desperate. I moved into a new place and moved my new girlfriend in with me. My pride, ego, and lust were all completely out of control at this point, and what I did next is beyond shameful.
I claimed to love Erica and thought I would never cheat on her. There's a saying: “If he'll cheat for you, he'll cheat on you.” During COVID, her father became terminally ill with lung cancer. Because of travel restrictions during that period, she was forced to move back home to care for him and take him for regular hospital visits. I was alone, trapped in a small bachelor pad. I could only go out to get my groceries. Underneath my apartment building was a restaurant where the most gorgeous woman worked. I'd spotted her before but always assumed she was out of my league. Through a bit of sleuthing, I was able to find her on Facebook, and we began messaging. Turned out she was also my neighbour living on the floor below.
She invited me round that very evening for drinks, and we ended up in bed together. This carried on for a few weeks, all while my girlfriend was back home taking care of her dying dad. What's worse is I caught an STD from my neighbour and had to go to the hospital during Covid to receive treatment. Words fail me at this point. I am a vile, wretched whelp. Covid hit me hard with my job, and I was forced to return back to the U.K. At least in England I'd be away from the temptation of the flesh; but not away from sin.
It took me a year to find a job, but during that time I became addicted to marijuana. Within the first few nights of returning, my cousin offered to smoke with me. Whatever we smoked was out of this world, and within weeks my habit escalated. At first it was “I'll just smoke occasionally with my cousin”. Then it became “I'll get my own stash so I can have one on a Saturday”. Next was “OK, just Saturday AND Sunday.” Finally it was “I'll have one every night whilst I'm working out because at least I'm doing something productive”. It began to affect my breathing, but being an addict, I still couldn't stop.
This went on for a few years, and I won't justify it, but to be fair, I managed to hold down two jobs, although I did have a few dicey mornings. I began to push the limits and try things like RS oil, which has the most dreadful comedown. You become twitchy and aggressive over the smallest things; not the best way to go to work when you're dealing with school children. Another side effect of weed is that it leads to more sin. I used to describe it as the “3H's” - Happy, Horny, and Hungry. So I would smoke and then watch porn over and over. I would buy three boxes of cereal and eat them all within a few hours. I am happy to say that God has delivered me from both drugs and pornography.
Psalm 103:1 - “Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.” Over the next few years, I got back in touch with my son and his mum over the phone. I had seen him just once before leaving the Philippines and was determined to be in his life again. Because I was working in education, I got six weeks off over summer and would go visit. The first time was a little awkward but truly wonderful. The second time was even better, and the bond began to rebuild itself. Coming round to the third time, I'd had enough; six weeks just wasn't enough.
One evening I was in the local park working out. I had my usual joint and was stoned. I was missing my child so much I felt physically sick. I looked to the sky, dropped to my knees, tears streaming down my face. Then I begged and pleaded, “Help me get back to my son!!!” Who was I speaking to? A higher power? I wasn't even sure... I can say now with certainty; it was God. God heard my cry for help. What I didn't know at the time was that God would give me so much more. He would adopt me as his child, and he would give me something worth more than anything on this earth: his son, Jesus Christ.
What's the difference between a pig and a sheep? A pig is content to roll around in its muck, but a sheep will get dirty and look to clean itself afterwards. Revelation 12:11 - “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” Jesus doesn't wait for you to get clean; he comes and finds you right where you are. No matter how much filth you're wallowing in. He takes you, loves you, and will never leave you. All you have to do is come with an open heart and mind.
There are a myriad of factors that led me to where I am today, at my computer writing this in the hope it may rescue lost souls. My transformation was not a bolt of lightning, but God isn't some magic overnight fix; he is, however, our only hope and salvation. Galatians 1:8 - “But even if an angel from heaven or we should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God's curse!” So how did God reach a sinner like me? His timing is perfect. If I had heard the Gospel earlier in life, I would have rejected it. God reached out to me when he knew I was ready to receive him; it was simply up to me to accept or reject the invitation. The biggest sticking point for me was logic. If I was going to believe in God, it all had to make logical sense. So where did he lead me? Right into his word. Psalm 34:6 - “This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.”
When I returned to the U.K. after Covid and landed my first job, I was there for about a year and a half before moving on. During this time, I made a lot of new friends and one girl in particular is partly responsible for why I'm writing this now. She was an agency worker at my school and would often sit with me at lunchtime. I remember vividly how crazy it was that she used to bring in frozen pizzas and cook them in the microwave. We didn't grow close, and she certainly didn't discuss her faith; in fact, I had no idea she was a Christian. When I left that job, she came to me with a gift. Even before she gave it to me, I knew it was a Bible for some odd reason.
I took it home, put it in the cupboard, and forgot about it. We still keep in touch, pray together, and we have even attended each other's churches. She's Indian, and it's quite an experience going to an Indian service! Some of the hymns can last twenty minutes! They always feed you afterwards as well, and I'll never say no to a good chicken biriyani. In my next job, I had my own office and plenty of time on my hands. I would kill the long hours with online shopping and a bit of reading. I finished The Satanic Verses, a book I'd wanted to read for a while, before I said to myself, “I'm forty years old, and I've never read the Bible. I should see what it's all about.”
So I did. I opened it up right at the beginning. Genesis 1:1. I read the first seven chapters and already got overwhelmed. You have creation, the fall, Cain and Abel, the Nephilim, the flood.... Over the next few weeks, I kept picking at it, and as I got further into Genesis, I had so many questions. Why would God set up a covenant of circumcision? What was even the point? Lot offers his virgin daughters? Slavery is not only not condemned but is also sanctioned by God?! None of it made sense.
So I put it away and went back to my life of 'another day, another dollar' and smoking a joint after work. That could have been that. Praise God it wasn't. After I left that job and moved out to the Philippines to be with my son, I picked it up again. I can't pinpoint exactly why I had the drive to do so, but I did. This time I started at the back with Revelation and then the four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. This time I could not put it down. I read the entire thing cover to cover in six months.
Some books I read two chapters a day. Some books like Proverbs, Job, and the Psalms I read in two days! This time it was like it spoke to me. Sometimes the words would jump off the page, and it was almost as if they were talking directly to me. The wonderful thing about the Bible is (and I'm quoting the late great Charlie Kirk here) “It's the only book that will read itself back to you.”
The verse that hit me the hardest and that summed up my life is Romans 6:21, which I quoted at the start of the testimony. When I read that, I remember pausing and not being able to move on with the rest of the chapter. It was like that verse was written by God just for me. When I finished both the Old and New Testaments, I had the complete context, and my questions about a logical God were answered. Not only that, but my wider questions about morality, evil, and even the meaning of life were all found in God's word. Kind of obvious when you think about it! There isn't a story or teaching that is out of place or a single contradiction. The Old and New Testaments have many authors, were written over a thousand years, and yet line up perfectly.
Every prophecy in the Old Testament was fulfilled by Jesus! These days I don't go a day without reading my Bible. I always thank my friend for gifting it to me. It's never a chore to pick it up and read it, and I'll only be worried the day I lose my fire to learn more because no matter how much you read it, it never stops giving. To finish, I'd like to quote Charlie again: “I study the word intimately and daily. It's infinitely deep but also immediately accessible.”
So was my life fixed right now? Anyone who is a Christian reading this will know it only gets harder from here. Once Satan knows you're not on his team anymore, he'll try everything he can to drag you down with him. Luke 10:18 – “He replied, ‘I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.” One of the biggest issues I struggled with, and I'm sure a lot of new Christians do, was: How can God forgive so much sin? The shame of it hangs over you. What Jesus did on the cross was for us. To reconcile us back to him. Grace is a gift we do not deserve, but it is a free gift from God. That's how much he loves us.
Whenever I feel that shame, I remember and rejoice (with a wry smile on my face) that God's love for us is boundless and beyond comprehension. This is a God who came down off his throne, took on flesh, and suffered the worst kind of death and humiliation, all to serve his rebellious creation. A God worthy of all praise, honour, glory, and worship. Now I serve him. Ezekiel 33:11 - “As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways!”
A lot of people argue that a loving God would never send people to Hell. Well then, why would a just God send anyone to heaven? God doesn't send anyone to Hell. He loves you so much that you can choose to obey him or reject him. How can it be true love if he forced you to love him? The answer to every question I had could be summed up in a single word: Jesus. Jesus is the only historical figure who started a worldwide movement without brandishing a sword. He is the only leader who was so humble he never outright claimed to be God, even though he is.
John 18:37 - “Jesus answered, 'You say that I am a king. In fact, the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.” So I had read the Bible and was seeking God, but the flesh does not let go that easily. The remnant of what would soon become my old life was strong, and oh my, did I continue to do some horrendous things. Firstly, I was ordering drugs online. I would get brownies and vapes from Manila, which would lead to more sin.
Speaking of the capital, next came a trip to Manila itself. My friend from England was flying over to visit his father who lived there. As I was a couple of bus rides away, I agreed to join him for a week. We spent every night in the Red Light district. He was no stranger to frequenting whores, and with the beer flowing, it was inevitable for us both. It is impossible to describe the depravity of a place like Manila without seeing it for yourself. In the day, you see extreme poverty with young families sleeping rough on the street; I've even seen a newborn baby sleeping on the pavement. Everyone is just trying to get by and make whatever they can. Everyone is for sale.
In the evening, it turns into the last days of Rome. We went to bars where the girls would do whatever you wanted, right there and then. Yes, whatever you want. Oh boy, did I get my fill. I had a THC vape, so I was high for the entire trip, drank heavily in the evenings, and had a wingman I'd known for years to banter with along the way. On day two, I contracted an STD. I was fortunate I found out early and spent the next three days visiting a clinic, which cost me nearly £200. I was so afraid of contracting HIV after what had happened that I asked for a course of PEP. This clinic handed everything out like candy, hence the extortionate prices.
I want to bring up one story because I think it really sums up my depravity. During the day, I had been to the clinic and was now on a course of medication. We went out that evening to the bar where I continued to vape and drink the local piss water. By the end of the night, I was drunk, high, and horny (not to mention riddled with what turned out to be syphilis). In the state I was in, I got back to where my hotel was and then began looking for a girl. Downstairs on the street, I found an old woman who showed me this young girl she had for sale. I managed to get her upstairs to my room (despite being so drunk I could barely stand), but with all the shit in my system I couldn't perform. I tried for a good few hours, but even in the condition I was in, I felt sickened by the experience and knew it was wrong.
My conscience wasn't completely dead, and God hadn't given up on me. He never will. A few days later, I travelled back but had to stop in another city along the way. The symptoms were worsening, so I had to get to a hospital. It was my birthday. There I was. A pathetic worm being treated for syphilis, alone on his birthday. This had to stop. The reason I've been so frank with my experiences is to highlight my turpitude and to show that even for a degenerate like me there was still hope. I think this was the point God said it's now or never.
Mark 1:8 - “I baptize you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.” It was at this point I felt a calling to be baptized. I can't really explain why I felt so strongly about it, but I was resolute. One evening I walked past a church where I was living and heard them practising hymns for the Sunday service. I went inside and enquired about baptism. They told me the pastor was currently away but that I was welcome to come to the service on Sunday. So I did, and I'm now a member of that church! So I kept attending on Sunday. Sure, I didn't understand most of the service, but the songs were in English, and every single person there treated me with nothing but kindness. As it turned out, the pastor had been diagnosed with cancer and was in another city getting treatment. I met him and his wife a few weeks later, and he spent his evenings talking me through the steps I would need to take to fully understand what baptism entailed.
For the next three weeks we met at his house, and he really deepened my knowledge of scripture and helped me to comprehend water baptism. I'll never forget the first question he asked: “If you were to die today and stand face to face with God, what would you say?” I had no answer. I still don't, to tell the truth. I think it would be “thank you.” Thank you for this life. Thank you for being merciful, loving, forgiving, and just. Thank you for sending your son to suffer on that cross to pay the ransom for a wretch like me. Thank you for your grace. Thank you.
What an amazing man my pastor is. He's travelling back and forth for four hours every week to have chemotherapy, and yet he takes the time to invite me into his home in the evenings. Weak, confused, and probably scared, he gave his precious time to me. A true servant of the Lord. And so I was baptized! This is where things really started to take a turn, and God's work was only just beginning. Unfortunately, I had run out of funds and had to return to England to make money, with the plan of coming back as soon as possible.
A common theme I often hear from other new Christians is that they try to find 'loopholes' to justify sin from their old life. I was no different. I'd travelled to the city to get my exit papers and had to spend a few nights in a hotel. A voice in my head was telling me, “This is your last chance to have sex.” That evening, I managed to resist. By the morning, I remember being on my knees trying to fight it and say no. It felt different this time. There's a quote I love: “A true believer is at war with their sin; a false believer is at peace with it.”
Nevertheless, I could not resist. It was all too easy to simply find a girl on Facebook. But as I said, this time was different. It all felt wrong. When we were doing the deed, I neither enjoyed it nor wanted to do it. It was mercifully short, and afterwards, I just wanted to be alone again. I'm not saying God used this experience to test me because it was through my own free will that I chose to sin, but it showed that the Holy Spirit was in me. He hates what is unholy, and the fact that I fought so hard and felt sickened by the whole encounter was something new.
She was the last prostitute I ever slept with. Finally, I had the strength to be free. Not my strength, God's strength. Praise God. I returned to England and again tried to find another loophole: cannabis. I told myself, “As long as you don't go crazy with the food, watch porn, and do something productive, you'll be fine”. The spirit guided me and told me not to smoke, so I stopped. But.... I still tried to find a loophole! I told myself again, “OK, I can't smoke it, but I can eat it; nothing wrong with that.”
One Saturday my cousin and I made some edibles. We ate them and went for a walk. About an hour into the journey, I began to get inside my head; the worst demonic experience I've ever had. I slept all day Sunday, missed church, and couldn't even work the following Monday; these things were that strong. Monday morning I went to the only place I truly wanted to be: church. The caretaker was kind enough to let me in, and I spent a good hour telling God how ashamed of myself I felt and how sorry I was. Tears were streaming down my face. All I could hope was he would give me yet another chance.
When I got home that evening, I got on my knees and told God I wouldn't make a vow, but that I wanted to be free of this scourge. That was the last drug I ever touched, and I have no desire to go near that awful stuff again. John 13:10 - “Jesus answered, 'Those who have had a bath need only wash their feet; their whole body is clean.’ The change had begun. I began to openly profess my love for Christ, not ashamed of it whatsoever. I joined a local church, made friends and shared fellowship, began to pray every morning and read at least two chapters of scripture a day. I was delivered from drugs and pornography, and with no outlet to fall into lust, I turned my focus to God.
I felt a joy, peace, and happiness that I'd never felt. But the enemy wasn't done. He found another angle of attack. Soon I started to hear voices. Not audible voices, more like intrusive thoughts. They started with things like “f*** God” before becoming really graphic. I freaked out. Luckily, I found other believers online who had suffered from this kind of attack, but it went on for weeks. You may be asking, “How do you know this was an attack from the enemy?” Just think about it; my whole life I'd never had anything like this happen in my head before. Now I'm openly professing that Jesus is Lord, and obeying him, and suddenly, this occurs.
So how did I beat it? I didn't. God did. I surrendered it to him. I told him I wasn't strong enough to fight this battle, and once again, he delivered me. Ephesians 6: 14-17: “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
I did hear one more voice; it was one afternoon, and it said three things to me: I am always here. I will never leave you. I love you.
So where am I now? Am I free from sin? Is my life perfect? Of course not! Only a fool would claim such absurdity. Every day is a battle; every day is a struggle, but every day is also a gift from God! Have I fallen into sin? Repeatedly. But a lot less so than before. I start my morning with prayer and pray throughout the day. I open the Word without fail and study it in detail; it is so rich and truly my spiritual bread. I attend church and share fellowship with the most wonderful brothers and sisters here in the Philippines.
There have been times when I have felt God speak to me. The first such experience I have never shared with anyone and won't in this testimony; however, I will share something that happened recently. Despite my, how shall we put it, 'slightly sordid sexual history,' I still ask God to help me find a wife. There's a reason I have never been married. I had no idea what a marriage is truly meant to be, until God showed me.
I was travelling with the church to attend a wedding in an area about four hours away. I asked to come along so I could visit a new place, see the church they had planted, and of course I never miss an opportunity to frequent some nuptials. The night before the wedding, we slept in the church, and I picked up the Bible. I had no idea where to read but was led to Genesis chapter 29. Seemed completely odd and random. As I read, I remember thinking, “I forgot they had multiple wives back then; I really need to re-read Genesis!”
But one verse practically screamed at me off the page: 29:20 - “So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.” I didn't think too much of it until the next day. The bride was exchanging her vows, and she quoted one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 - “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
It was the part about love being self-seeking that made me stand up and take notice. Once again I had been guilty of thinking only of my own selfish base desires. God was showing me something and also asking something of me. Marriage is more than spending your life together; it's a covenant. Just like the covenant God has made with us, it is eternal and unbreakable. I wasn't ready for that. Genesis 2:24 – “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
God was also asking me to wait. Wait on his timing. Trust him. Love is patient. Psalm 27:14 - “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
Finally, before I end my testimony with some lessons the Lord has taught me, let me say this: if you are still on the fence about Jesus, if you give him a chance, he will transform your life. The evidence is right there that he has that power because there are countless testimonies out there just like mine. Also, take this as a polite warning. We are all sinners; we will all be judged; Jesus is the only advocate we have. All glory to the Lamb of God!
Luke 16:31 - “He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.'” How I've won the battle but continue to fight the war. Start your day with prayer. Prayer is a weapon. This may seem obvious, and it's not only about putting God first but also a sign of surrender. Let Him take control of your day. Thank Him that you're still here, still drawing breath, and know that if you're not done, then He's not done. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Recognize that you are not strong enough to fight this battle. I spent so much wasted energy trying to fight with my own willpower. This is a fruitless endeavour. Ask God for help. Pray and ask him to fight this battle for you. Once you surrender, truly surrender, He will fight for you. Exodus 14:14 - “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Recognize you are going to mess it up. Off the bat, let me say I am not condoning sin. I would be a hypocrite if I said I haven't messed up myself on this journey. The enemy wants you to linger in your shame, and he's very good at reminding you of it. Get back up and rise like the warrior of God you were meant to be!
Proverbs 24:16 - “For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.” Repent immediately. Don't wait to come back to God. As mentioned above, the enemy delights in your shame. The longer you leave it, the heavier it will weigh on you. Pray and ask God for forgiveness and strength. Trust Him and surrender. Remember: his love, forgiveness, and mercy outweigh your sin.
Acts 3:19 - “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Flee. Don't fight. It may seem like common sense, but don't put yourself in a situation which will inevitably lead to sin. Don't tempt the temptation. I know this is easier said than done, and I can testify to that! The Bible never tells us to fight sexual immorality but to flee from it (1 Corinthians 6:18). This is a battle you cannot fight head-on. (PS - castration is never the answer). James 4: 7-8 - “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you.”
Be in the Word. The word of God is your weapon. Memorize verses that correspond with what you're struggling with. Write them down and stick them on your wall. I also watch a lot of content on YouTube. It helps direct me to verses and reassures me that I'm not alone in what I'm grappling with. 2 Timothy 3:16 - “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.”
Realize how deadly sin is. The wages of sin are death, and sometimes you need a kick up the backside to recall what's what. Our God is perfect and holy, and he demands perfection. Puts us in an awkward position! Jesus bled and died on that cross for YOU and would do it again in a heartbeat. He loves you that much. Try not to spit in his face.
Revelation 21:8 - “But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars – they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.” Romans 6:23 – “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Hebrews 10:26-27 - “If we deliberately keep sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of a raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.”
Trust the Holy Spirit. When you feel convicted of the truth, don't rebel against it. The closer you get to God, the more your sin will be brought into the light. This is a good thing. He's refining you like silver (Psalm 66:10), and he disciplines the ones he loves (Hebrews 12:6). Be in prayer and ask God for his spirit to be with you. 2 Timothy 1:7 - “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
Humble yourself. Pride is the deadliest sin. For a long time I thought it was lust because I suffered with it. How naïve and arrogant I was. Pride is what cast Satan from his place in heaven. The first time I read the Gospels, there was one phrase spoken by our Lord that repeated over and over and has stuck with me. Matthew 23:12 - “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Finally, before I end on one of my favourite verses, I will say this: God is never done with you. God is never far away. His love endures forever.
Isaiah 54:14-17 - “In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”
