Rhea

For ten years, I was always angry at myself, filled with anxiety, and suffering from PTSD. I spent my entire life seeking answers to my nightmares, not realizing that the only one who could release me from them is Jesus Christ.

Growing up in the Philippines' countryside, I was surrounded by animism, witchcraft, and religion. My entire family is Catholic, yet they still incorporate witchcraft and animism into their religious practices. I grew up believing in God while also believing in witchcraft and animism, as these were taught to me as part of our culture.

However, after Jesus saved me two years ago, I became aware that I should only serve God and not follow or incorporate evil or worldly ideas into my faith. When I was younger, I recall attending bible studies, and my family was always present at church, even for evening mass.

Every evening, we would pray the rosary in groups, and I would always lead the prayer. The Lord's Prayer was also pinned on my bedroom door, and I recall always reading it. However, when I was 11, my family relocated to Canada, and we stopped attending church.

Throughout my teenage years, everything was fine until I graduated high school and my family returned to the Philippines for a holiday. 2014 was the year that my life began to fall apart. My nights were full of nightmares, and my mornings were filled with anxiety.

During my vacation in the Philippines, I met someone whom I have buried in my memories. It was my grandmother's nephew who was living in my hometown when I was young. As soon as I saw him again, my mind became overwhelmed with what he had done to me when I was younger.

I felt disgusted and angry with myself. My memory was tormented by what he did to me, and I couldn't sleep. I tried everything to stop my nightmares, even witchcraft, but nothing worked. So, I decided to take my life.

But I couldn't do it because I was too terrified, so I told my family and friends, believing that with the comfort of someone, things would improve. I finally told them when I was 6-11 years old that my uncle had sexually assaulted me. My mother cried in anger for the first time and urged me to forget about it because she would have killed him if I had informed her sooner.

I felt broken and hurt. I didn't expect my mom to say those words. I understood her anger, but threatening to kill someone terrified me. I love my family and did not want them to be broken because of me. So I kept quiet and stopped talking.

A few months later, my other Uncle suffered a stroke and was hospitalized. My father received a call from my aunt saying he might not make it. When I was younger, my aunts and uncles usually looked after me because my dad worked all day and my mom worked abroad.

I was devastated to hear the news because I was quite close to my Uncle. I used to call him dad because he only had sons and treated me as his daughter. But the next day, I found out he had died. I was angry with God for taking him away.

For ten years, my memories haunted me until I gave in. I became addicted to pornography and started worshipping the devil. In 2020, I was invited to meet a man whom my friend of nine years had met on Tinder. We booked a hotel and decided to travel to meet him.

However, a week before our meeting, my friend messaged me, saying she no longer wanted to be friends with me. I was puzzled, so I messaged her and asked why, and she informed me that she did not want to meet me again. I told her that I respect her choice and that I was sorry if I had offended her in any way.

Three years later, I wasn't getting any better; I still couldn't sleep and got anxious whenever I went outside. Everything seemed empty because I was so depressed. One night, I was so tired of everything that I planned to end my life the next day.

I decided to surf through TikTok since I wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise. Scrolling for hours, I saw someone's post about their testimony. The lengthy video kept my eyes fixed on the screen, and I had to see it through to the end.

The post was about a man who was dealing with college life, and he talked about how on a random night in his bedroom, he prayed to God for forgiveness and heard Jesus say, It’s okay, I forgive you. At the same time, he said, "It's okay," I heard another voice say “I forgive you.”

I burst into tears because I knew the voice I was hearing was Jesus. I cried loudly, "Lord, you have me; I surrender myself to you." My body felt refreshed, and the heavy weight on my shoulder felt so light. I never felt freer in my life.

That night, I slept with no dreams. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I thought of was that I needed to pray. I kneeled down, but I had no idea what to say. The rosary prayer came to mind, so I jumped up and hurried to get the rosary.

I was concerned because I hadn't recited the rosary in a long time, and I would have forgotten, but I chose to do it anyway. I cried the entire time, unaware that I was praying and reading the Bible all day. I prayed the rosary as if I were leading the prayer when I was young.

A few days later, I made the decision to do something. I chose to forgive my uncle and pray for his family and health. When I see a photo of him at family events, I no longer feel angry. I don't feel terrified or anxious when I go outside, and my nightmares have ended.

Every time I lose a loved one, I am no longer upset; instead, I am glad for them since they no longer have to suffer from what they were going through and are safe in God's hands. For ten years, my mind was filled with darkness, and I spent years looking for a means to free myself, only eventually finding that all I needed to do was turn to God.

I was healed and set free the instant I heard Jesus. The closer I get to him, the more I understand he has been protecting me all along. Sometimes God puts us in situations or even takes away our closest friends in order to keep us safe from harm and to draw us nearer to Himself.

I put all of my trust in him and appreciate him every day for bringing light into my life despite the difficulties I face. The joy of living with God is unmatched by anything in this world, and his love for us is so beautiful.

Thank you for reading my testimony. May you all have a blessed day.